Pink slime. Hide your children. Hide your wives. It's in your beef, and it's in your family. If the volume of attention a subject gets is any indication of its importance in life -- and it is -- pinky slimy slime is single-handedly destroying, corrupting and befouling everything, everywhere, all the time. Beware the slime Yahoo News tells me.
Thankfully we still have heroes. Thankfully we still have TV chefs, a feckless press, and a shallow social media which can all mobilize to save our great nation. Thanks to their tireless yet trendy efforts pink slime, or ammonia-treated ground beef filler as it is perhaps less pejoratively known, has been removed from a number of fast food chains and now, glory be, will be removed -- at least in part -- from our children's schools. With this great victory in mind let us revel.
Never will we have to be like the Native Americans who consumed all parts of the animal. Huzzah! That's what pets and Fancy Feast are for.
Never will we have to worry about infections from a food product never associated with infection. Hurray! But lets fret anyway.
Never will we have to pay for ugly food. Hot dang! Instead we can pay more for normal, regular food.
Never will we have to worry about ammonia in our beef. Shazam! Just the ammonia in the hundreds of other food products.
Never will we have to think critically about a subject. Good gravy, holy moly! Blog posts and Internet petitions are sufficient substitutes for due discourse and democratic action.
Alright. This is getting boring already. Time to tweet about Kony. I hear he's dating one of the Kardashians.
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