The Gift That Keeps On Giving Till It Kills You 11 & 12

Months eleven and twelve kind of got past me. Now it's month thirteen, and I have no more ice cream coming to me. Plenty of ice cream still in the freezer, but no more on the way. As I reflect on the final months and experience altogether I will say I am thankful I got to try all the (mostly) tasty and (absolutely) creative flavors, and I am very grateful it's all over. The final two months had some weirdo flavors, some also-rans, and some of my top 5 picks for the year. I'm very grateful for the very kind gift my brother and sister-in-law provided me and Liz (and our vegan friends), and it's definitely a gift we will be remembering and likely talking about for a very long time. Now I just need to find where I can get some more butter ice cream....

- Jack o'Lantern Pumpkin Bread

Scott: I vaguely remember trying this. I do not remember what it tasted like.

*shrug*/10

Liz: Yeah, it wasn't bad, but wasn't a standout.

5/10 

 

- The Great Candycopia

Scott: Like a Skor bar, but better. And I like Skor bars.

9.5/10

Liz: I also Skor bars.

6/10 

 

- Creepy Crawly Critters

Scott: I had bugs once. Didn't feel a need to eat them again. Or combine them with matcha.

pass/10

Liz: So far I have tried a tiny taste of the matcha (good) and avoided the bugs. I'm afraid of the bugs, but not willing to throw out matcha ice cream.

?/10 

 

- Double Bubble Toil & Trouble (v)

Scott: Why gum? I do not wish to eat gum.

pass/10

Liz: Better than I expected for a vegan bubble gum flavor.

4/10

 

- Black Cat Licorice & Lavender

Scott: Creative, tasty, interesting pairing, I would definitely eat it again. When I want to eat black licorice again at least.

9/10

Liz: I liked it very much. Enjoyed the licorice reservoirs, but I wish they were more distributed. I liked the lavender base. I knew I liked both of these flavors, but the combo was a pleasant surprise. One of my top picks for the year.

9/10 

 

- Caramelized Turkey & Cranberry Sauce

Scott: It's Thanksgiving, but with a lot more cranberry.

5/10

Liz: Savory. Peppery. Just not flavors I am looking for in an ice cream. It's not even the meat. The other flavors. I'd rather eat cranberry jelly.

2/10 +1 for bold decision

 

- Sweet Potato Pie w/ Double Baked Almond Streusel

Scott: I feel like I've eaten this Salt & Straw flavor a half dozen times now.

6 probably/10

Liz: A mellow pumpkin spice.

7/10 

 

- Candied Walnut Cheesecake

Scott: Tastes a bit like a bran cereal that just happens to have 400% of your saturated fat for the day.

5/10

Liz: It has a sort of funny taste to it. Maybe the bitterness of the walnuts? Also a subtle cheesecake flavor.

4/10

 

- Parker House Rolls with Salted Buttercream

Scott: It's bread and butter. With just the right amount of crumbly biscuit mixed in. And I cannot stop eating it. MORE BUTTER!

9.5/10

Liz: Decent. I liked the chunks of bread, but I didn't have the same passion for it you did.

6-7/10

 - Pumpkin & Gingersnap Pie (v)

Scott: It's pumpkin pie filling.

6/10

Liz: One of the best vegan flavors we've had. Pumpkiny. Creamy. 

7/10

 

 The end! Or maybe we'll do a Top 5 Year in Review. Or maybe we'll never eat ice cream again. To be (possibly) continued....

 

The Gift That Keeps On Giving Till It Kills You 10

Month ten was booze-themed. Only in the sense that everything had a booze-y name. All the adult-beverage-related flavors were in such tiny doses so as to be homeopathic and if given a hundred guesses I'd guess banana peppers before I'd guess hops in some of these. Our pet sitter ate half of 'em before I got to try 'em, but given the price of pet sitters these days I think I got the better end of the deal.

 

- Great Nation's Mellifluous Strawberry & Guava Smoothie Sour

Scott: There's not a whole lot to this ice cream. It's mostly just strawberry and consonants. And, yet, I love it. I love you ice cream. I really do. Will you marry me?

9.5/10

Liz: A pleasant strawberry ice cream.

6.5/10

 

- Reverend Nat's St. Citron Margarita Sherbet

Scott: Kind of boring and vaguely citrus.

6/10

Liz: The first citrus flavor of the year. Smooth and bingeable.

7.5/10 

 

- Modern Times' Nola Coffee Stout -

Scott: None for me.

X/10

Liz: I remember liking it.

7.5/10

 

- Breakside Brewery’s Half & Half Crunch

Scott: Really good chocolate. Really good crunchy stuff. Really really miss it.

9.5/10

Liz: Kind of just a chocolate with crunchies.

6/10

 - Wynwood Brewing Mango Habanero IPA Sorbet (v)

This was a repeat. Why are they wasting our time! And again I ask who wants habanero in their dessert??

The Gift That Keeps On Giving Till It Kills You 9

Month nine was "camping" themed. I guess we've eaten too much ice cream at this point because I have to say I thought it was kind of uninspired. Bacon in this. S'more something something. Fruity mix sorbet. Coffee. Month summarized. 

 Except for the Muddy Buddies. Woah, that was a curve ball that hit the batter.

 

- Maple Bacon Streusel

Scott: Kind of a caramel maple flavor with bits of bacon in it. Not bad by any means, but not great either. Just maple and bacon in ice cream.

7.510

Liz: Tastes kind of like a breakfast-y bacon-y waffle-y -- like one of those waffles with the maple cooked into it.

7/10 -4 for bacon

 

- Bug Juice Sorbet

Scott: A tasty fruit punch flavor. Best enjoyed in a smoothie, though.

6/10

Liz: Kind of a boring fruit punch flavor. Gave it to the vegans.

3/10 

 

- Salted Hazelnut Praline S'mores -

Scott: More hazelnut than s'more for sure. Marshmallows were there, but kind of secretly blended-in in a way that I would probably not have guessed they were there. Chocolate was present in the form of random blobs and graham cracker in what I guess was cookie dough. It was good, but no s'more.

7/10

Liz: A bit heavy on the hazelnut for my taste. I'm not seeing any marshmallow... found a chunk of something... <editor's note: turned out to be a dough chunk> good chocolate ganache...

5/10

 

- Cowboy Coffee Grinds & Bourbon

Scott: It's coffee flavor so it's good. That's it.

6.5/10

Liz: A decently flavorful coffee base with brownie chunks that were good. Nothing that would put this ice cream shop on the map, but a solid flavor I wouldn't mind munching on the couch. Addendum: the chocolate ganache reservoirs were better than the brownie chunks.

6.5/10 + 1 for stuffing a ganache torte in there

 - Mushroom Muddy Buddies

Scott: Weird with a hint of peanut butter. And maybe dirt.

?/10

Liz: Hmm... that's odd. If there are muddy buddies they are pulverized very tiny. I don't think I would have identified it as mushroom. But I guess there's an umami flavor. I don't know. I don't think it's for me.

3/10

The Gift That Keeps On Giving Till It Kills You 8

Month eight was all about the berries. Only one with raspberries and none with strawberries, Nature's two best berries, but thankfully all berries are good berries. Don't have much else to say except.... it was an acceptable month? Liz edit: this was a good month for a deep bench of solid contenders (except the habanero). Berries in ice cream won't surprise anyone, but they're old reliable for a reason.

 

- Wild-Foraged Berry Slab Pie

Scott: Nothing exciting, but very pleasing. Had a good berry mix and the occasional crusty pieces were nice and not too big. Satisfying. Ahhhhh.

7.5/10

Liz: Pretty conventional berries and cream flavor. I like the way the berries are mixed in.

6.5/10 

 

- Besharam's Yogurt Lassi with Raspberry

Scott: Kind of weird slightly sour unsettling taste.

4/10

Liz: Little bit of tartness, but not otherwise super different from Wild Berry Pie. It supposedly has cumin and cardamom, but I don't taste any of them. I definitely like the frozen yogurt vibe better than Scooter does.

6.5/10 

 

- Boysenberry Oatmilk Sherbet

Scott: I'll be honest. I haven't gotten to this one yet. After eating 100 ice creams another sherbet isn't high on my to do list.

?/10

Liz: Mmmm. Tastes like a creamy sorbet. Oh yeah. Nice potent berry flavor.

7/10

 

- Birthday Cakes & Blackberries

Scott: Very good. The sweet creamy birthday cake base combined with the whatever it was that was mixed in it was delicious. The blackberry jam was of course a tremendous vein that dominated its portion of the ice cream container, but if apportioned appropriately it was a tasty accompaniment to the rest of the mix.

7.5/10

Liz: Maybe there're chunks of something in here, but it mostly just tastes like sweet cream to me.

 6/10 (-0.5 for giant lake of stuff)

 Note: the creamy, rainbow sprinkle base grew one me: 6.5/10

 - Goat Cheese Marionberry Habanero

Scott: A really unique ice cream I would recommend everyone try, and if offered a scoop I would eat it, but I don't think I would buy it. The post-fruit and cheese spicy kick while interesting was just, like, "Why?" I don't turn to ice cream to satisfy my pepper fix just like I don't turn to lunch and dinner for my ice cream fix. Stay in your lane Salt & Straw!

6.5/10

Liz: Oooh that's too much heat. That's a lot of heat. I can taste more habanero than goat cheese or marionberry.

1/10

The Gift That Keeps on Giving Till it Kills You 7

Month seven brought the literary flavors. A group of flavors that were impossible to remember because their names were meaningless, but a group of flavors that despite their wasted breath were surprisingly delicious. In fact, this has been my favorite month to date. These flavors were supposed to be inspired by favorite childrens authors, but I saw no "Jim Davis: I Hate Mondays." Perhaps I just led an uncultured and uncivilized youth. Whichever the case, whatever the reason for their creation, these were the ice creams that came closest to usurping Americone Dream. 

Postscript: due to editorial neglect the contribution of Guest Writer Liz was not solicited until the monthly ice creams had been long since consumed. A generous off the cuff interview was provided to fill the gaps, but any lack of wit or wisdom are strictly the fault of the editorial staff.

 

- Smile: Words & Pictures

Scott: After reading the name I, of course, had no idea what this was going to taste like. It tasted, however, like creamy, spongy, Italian heaven. The almond infused sponge cake gave it a pleasant flavor and unique texture unlike most ice creams I've had while the bits of chocolate offered a striking and enjoyable contrast in both taste and substance. It was all well mixed and evenly distributed such that every bite was a delicious one.

9/10

Liz: The sponge cake didn't do much for me. I liked the stracciatella. Saved it from having an even lower score.

5/10 

 

- Geronimo Stilton & The Salted Frozen Feast

Scott: After reading the name I, of course, had no idea what this was going to taste like. The ingredient list seemed to primarily consist of cheese. It was a salty delight that grew on me the more I ate. The Ritz-like crackers sounded insane, but I must now confess it was insanely genius.

8.5/10

Liz: Points for unique flavor profile. The salty parmesan-y was unexpected but not unappreciated. Not sure I would buy it regularly but I enjoyed it.

7.5/10 

 

- Amulet: Fruit of the Gaboda Tree

Scott: After reading the name I, of course, had no idea what this was going to taste like. It was fine. The "gaboda" fruits were small and tasty, but swimming in a much larger sea of a nice but largely unremarkable creamy base. The alleged cocoa nibs I think maybe I could appreciate, but maybe I'm just suggestible. I think it was fine.

6.5/10

Liz: I don't even remember what that one wasted like. Wasn't it like, a boring vanilla background with little flecks of passion fruit? I guess I never really got into that one.

4/10

 

- Twins: A Matching Pear With Cinnamon Swirl

Scott: After reading the name I assumed there was a book called Matching Pear With Cinnamon Swirl that I had missed out on as a child, but, already uninterested in the theme and not willing to google it, I moved straight on to tasting. It was a relatively simple flavor, but also a simply delicious one. A very satisfying cinnamon pear with a subtle cream cheesy creaminess. There are a lot of fruity desserts out there; this is one of the few I can recall ever having that was pear-based. It is unique enough that I would definitely seek it out again.

8.5/10

Liz: I liked it because I don't think I've ever had pear ice cream. Also had that gooey sweat cinnamon cream cheesy swirl so I liked both the base and the swirl in. It was pretty good.

8/10

 

- Goosebumps: Monster Blood is Back!

Scott: After reading the name I, of course, had no idea what this was going to taste like, but I knew it was going to be crazy. And it didn't disappoint. The glow-in-the-dark-green monster blood was crazy. The crunchy red strawberry bark fangs were crazy. The whole thing, straight ice cream crazy. It wasn't necessarily the best ice cream I've ever had -- the monster blood in particular was a bit heavy on the pineapple juice -- but it was the craziest. I would recommend everyone try it. And then order some Smile: Words & Pictures. :)

8/10

Liz: The salted mango base was unusual but good. The nuclear green syrup was visually offensive but tasty. The strawberry bark fangs, eh, I could go either way. I think they added some nice texture.

 4/10 (+2 if eyes closed)

 

The Gift That Keeps On Giving Till It Kills You 6

Month six brought the floral flavors, a very unique combination of flavors based on flowers and flower byproducts. Receipt of the ice creams was delayed briefly first in transit and then in reshipment after the initially delayed shipment turned into ice cream soup as ice cream is want to do if given enough time out of a freezer. It was nevertheless a winner and Liz's favorite batch to date. It was probably our mailman's least favorite, however, judging by our door cam's video. Ice cream soup is very leaky and very sticky. 

- Rhubarb Crumble with Toasted Anise

Scott: Surprisingly good. The anise flavor was subtle, but pleasant. The rhubarb was tart, but not too tart. The crumbles were nicely sized, textured, and fairly well mixed. Aside from the rhubarb being a giant glob like most Salt & Straw syrups, needing to be manually apportioned to prevent rhubarb toxicity, it was a well made ice cream.

7/10

Liz: The veins of rhubarb have great tart flavor. Wish they were distributed more evenly. The anise is good, but subtle.

8/10 

 

- Wildflower Honey with Ricotta Walnut Lace Cookies

Scott: Despite its complicated name, it is somehow the most boring of flavors. Even its crumbles are like a very boring, slightly soggy cereal. Only flavor I can truly distinguish is lemon which I am assuming is the lemon zest. Ingredient number twelve or so. What happened to the other eleven flavors??

4/10

Liz: Kind of boring.

4/10 

 

- Honey Lavender

Scott: Very good. Very purple. Unique. Yet somehow not particularly impressive. Except for its purple-ness. It was very purple.

7/10

Liz: Very distinct and bold flavor. This one I would buy.

 8.5/10 

 

- Jasmine Milk Tea & Chocolate

Scott: Quite nice. I enjoyed the tea-flavored ice cream, and the chocolate almonds bits were a nice complement that weren't too large like many Salt & Straw flavors. Overall very satisfying.

8/10

Liz: Very promising, but the jasmine flavor could have been stronger and the almonds don't add much.

7/10

- Mathilde's Hibiscus & Coconut Sherbert (vegan)

Scott: A hard to describe experience. Like eating perfume, but in a good way. Also makes a most delicious base for a smoothie. I'd order that smoothie.

6/10

Liz: Pleasantly tart with a creamy finish.

7/10

The Gift That Keeps On Giving TIll It Kills You 5

Month five brought the long lost and feared missing cereal bowl specials. Five new flavors based on childhood cereal favorites -- corn flakes excluded. They were a good batch overall though I must admit the inclusion of the worst of the Captain Crunches was disappointing. I think a good Corn Pops or Honeycomb ice cream could be good. As long as they don't bring back that computer animated manic chihuahua thing. Jeez, what the hell was that??

 

- Off Limits Dash Cold Brew Cocoa Crisps

Scott: I don't really have much to say about this one. It was good. I'll just second what Liz said.

6/10

Liz: Standard coffee, but I like the chocolate swirl.

6/10 

 

 - Peanut Butter Captain Crunch (vegan)

Scott: Ain't ever going to eat no stinkin' peanut butter ice cream.

0/10

Liz: Peanut butter with a bit of a crunch. Kind of boring.

5/10 

 

- Corn Flake Cookies with Merrionberry Jam

Scott: I'll just be honest. I don't want jam in my ice cream. Does anybody?

Nope/10

Liz: Like a plain vanilla with a little bit of cookie any a few big veins of jelly. I like the jelly. Wish it was mixed in a little better. Mmm... 5.

 5/10 

 

- Snap Crackle Marshmallow Treats

Scott: Tasty base. Kind of creamy marshmallowy and yummy. Rice crispies themselves were more kind of like, "oh, huh? interesting." But, oh, that base!

8.5/10

Liz: Alright the base is good, tastes like milk at the bottom of the cereal bowl. [Editors note: yuck]. Has some rice crispies that are more chewy than crunchy. It's ok, something a little different. 

5.5/10

- Pots of Golden Rainbows

Scott: I liked the Lucky Charm marshmallows except when there were too many Lucky Charm marshmallows when I was, like, "woah! Marshmallows!"

8.5/10

Liz: Also has that milky bottom of the cereal bowl base. [Editors note: still yuck]. I like the colors. The marshmallow treats still have the flavor I remember, but not the melt in your mouth texture that I remember. It's good.

7/10

The Gift That Keeps On Giving Till It Kills You 4

The fourth batch of generously gifted Salt and Straw ice cream was a shocker. Instead of the cereal-themed ice cream most the nation got we received Miami's box of weirdo ice cream flavors. Some turned out to be good. Most did not. Some of these names are frankly getting a bit exhausting.  

 

- Salty Donut Guava & Cheese

Me: Why the puff pastry? I don't entirely understand the guava and cheese either, but at least they paired well. Has anyone eaten a tasty ice cream and then written the manufacturer, "good, but where puff pastry?" I just don't understand this ice cream.

5/10 (-2 for puff pastry)

Liz: Cream cheese makes it creamy, and the guava is a nice fruity complement. It has a crazy amount of fat so I am only allotted one bite per day. *Changing the subject while looking into the fridge* Yeah really don't have a lot of food in here do we...? [Liz note for context: this was at 11pm, just after returning from travel.]

7/10

- Panther Coffee Chocolate Tres Leches

Me: So good. After doing this a few months now I am increasingly convinced the "tres leches" is just labeling fluff, but regardless of what this ice cream is actually composed of it was delicious. Then again my coffee-flavored ice cream floor pretty much starts at a 7/10. Also, thankfully no puff pastry.

8.5/10

Liz: I don't think I really tried this one. Pretty much just a plain coffee ice cream?

5/10

- White Chocolate Très Leches Donuts & Toasted Meringue

Me: Anything with this many words in its name is too pretentious for its own good. It was tasty, but also a bit pretentious. I mostly remember trying it, and thinking, "oversold."

7/10.

Liz: Mmm... 9. A successful blending of multiple desserts into a delicious ice cream. My favorite of all the Salt & Straw pints we've gotten so far. Generous lodes of soft marshmallow fluff.

9/10.

- Wynwood Brewing Mango Habanero IPA Sorbet (vegan)

Me: A decent mango sorbet that slowly gets hotter and hotter the more you eat. No idea where the IPA is. I am increasingly convinced the "IPA" is just labeling fluff.

6.5/10    

Liz: Tried one bite, confirmed it had a kick, and stopped.

1/10

 

- Exquisito Chocolates Hazelnut Cookies & Cream (vegan)

Me: Don't think I tried this one. If I did I don't remember it. Not sure which is better or worse.

?/10

Liz: It was alright.

2/10

 

All vegan ice creams were again donated to our vegan friends Angie and Dick thus completing the vegan ice cream circle of life.

 

 

The Gift That Keeps On Giving Till It Kills You 3

The third batch of generously gifted Salt and Straw ice cream was a return to what Salt and Straw does best, making ice cream with the cream. And this month's batch was a "Best Of" box celebrating their epic flavors and crown jewels and something else sounding probably a bit much for an ice cream. There was still an obligatory monthly vegan batch which was pretty good -- and kuddos to them for offering options for those who are lactose- and dairy-intolerant -- but the middling Lemon Cheesecake Crumble aside they were all quality, 7's and above! 

 

- Salted Caramel Cupcake

Me: The cupcake aspect of this remains a mystery to me, but the salted caramel aspect of it inexplicably led me to eat the entire thing the second go after poor, beautiful, darling Liz only had her taster teaser. (I regret nothing).

8.5/10

Liz: I barely got a bite of it, but I don't remember it being very compelling. I hardly remember it. The dough was good?

5/10

- Strawberry Tres Leches

Me: Good. Tasted kind of tres leches-y and kind of strawberry-y and all around was a solid ice cream. I wouldn't write home to the family about it, though.

7/10

Liz: I like the jelly, but I don't like the distribution- just a few big globs and many bites without any at all. The strawberry background is ok, but not exciting.

6/10

- Cinnatopia Cinnamon Bun

Me: Very tasty. Also a bit one note. Like one big cinnamon note. Except for the giant ribbon of molten cinnamon which had a very characteristic blast of cinnamon note. If the ribbon had been distributed a bit better it probably would have added something to the composition, but mostly it was a threatening gel of cinnamon flavor. Though I suppose if you want pure, uncut, super saturated sugar and cinnamon you could always go straight to the source. 

7/10.

Liz: I'd say same as for Strawberry Tres Leches. I could've eaten a bowl of the swirl filling. Somehow an extra hard consistency, had to work to scoop it.

6/10.

- Bacon & Brown Ale

Me: Clearly the best, and not just because I like bacon. In fact, I am not 100% sure I could tell you there was bacon in what I was eating had it not been clearly written on the container. Just something savory and slightly smokey mixed in with the base that itself was also a hard to define delicious. Wouldn't say I was eating a brown ale, but if this is what all brown ale and bacon ice creams taste like I will happily sign up for their mailing list.

9/10    

Liz: (Advisory: although Liz is a vegetarian she is also an extreme ice creamatarian and is known to recklessly tear into ice creams without caution or, apparently, bothering to read their labels.) Good flavor. (See! She won't even acknowledge her disturbing bacon eating behavior!)

3/10 (-5 for bacon)

- Lemon Cheesecake Crumble (vegan)

Me: Probably the best vegan ice cream I've eaten so far which makes it a solidly middling regular ice cream. Given the coconut non-dairy base it would be better titled Lemon Coconut Cheesecake Crumble. The crumble component wasn't particularly memorable -- I'd actually forgotten about it till I looked at the label again -- but, sure, it was tasty too.

6/10

Liz: Tastes like coconut.

2/10

 

Update: to all parties concerned about the fate of our middling vegan ice creams it just so turns out we have some vegan friends that just can't get enough of this stuff. Truly the gift that keeps on giving!

The Gift That Keeps On Giving Till It Kills You 2

The second batch of generously gifted Salt and Straw ice cream was not ice cream. Maybe it was in the same sense that there are a number of commercially available milks for sale these days that at no point in their production involve an actual milkable mammal, but not in the sense that it was tasty in the way real ice cream is, which, I think could be safely argued, is the entire point and sole reason for ice cream. It was all vegan made without the assistance of dairy or any other animal affiliated product. I'm generally anti-vegan ice cream because of a history of trying crummy vegan ice creams, and in that sense this batch did not disappoint. Overall they were actually better than I anticipated, but in the end only marginally so. There was one flavor that was surprisingly good, but unfortunately not surprisingly good enough to be worthy of the title "ice cream."

 

- Peanut Strawberry Crumble (vegan)

Me: Why pair peanuts with strawberries? Has anyone ever asked for this?

Pass

Liz: Couldn't taste any strawberry. Peanut flavor was ok.  

3/10

- Banana Avocado Sorbet (vegan)

Me: Tasted like baby food. Excuse me, baby food that was frozen and sold as dessert.

2/10

Liz: Kind of just bland. No tartness or sweetness or anything.

2/10

- Bourbon & Caramelized Honeycomb (vegan)

Me:Surprisingly good. Enjoyable "honeycomb" flavor, and, sure, I can believe something like bourbon in it. Still a bit grainy-textured like most vegan "ice cream," but I will admit I had it a second time. Not a third time, though.

6/10.

Liz: I remember it was ok, but just not as good as dairy ice cream.

4/10.

- Coconut Rice Pudding (vegan)

Me: Like an icey grainy dessert I'd get at a Thai restaurant. Not bad per se, but not something I'd order. Except when at a Thai restaurant choosing amongst a handful of desserts I'm feeling generally ambivalent about.

5/10    

Liz: Don't remember it.

?/10

- Chocolate Hazelnut Cookies & Cream (vegan)

Me: I vaguely remember thinking, "well this isn't as disappointing as I was worried it would be."

4.5/10

Liz: <had given up by this point.>

Pass

The Gift That Keeps On Giving Till It Kills You

First there was coronavirus. Then murder hornets. Now a year's supply of ice cream in a month every month. A generous Christmas gift has blessed our humble home of two with five pints of Salt and Straw ice cream for the remaining 12 months of our lives. At the end of which we presumably turn into an ice cream. Or a cholesterol embolus. And if we are going to go down gorging, we may as well provide an objective* measurement of our gorging.

 Each month we'll provide a break down of that month's 5 unique Salt and Straw ice cream flavors with our official vote on its quality, worthiness, and general testament to the need for its existence on this planet.  Which will be recorded as a ten point score. For me, my 10/10 best in life ice cream is Ben & Jerry's Americone Dream with S'mores a close runner up. For Liz, her 10/10 is Haagen-Daz's Dulce de Leche with Tolenti's Egg Nog a reasonable sub in a pinch. And away we go, December's offerings...!

 

- Cocoa with Peppermint Patties

Me: Good solid chocolate. Tasty peppermint patties. As billed. I'd eat it.

7/10

Liz: I liked it. Good peppermint flavor. Good chocolate. I'd eat it.     

7/10

- The Great Cookie Swap (vegan)

Me: Barf. Pass. 

No/10

Liz: Good, but not worth the fat.

4/10

- Gingerbread Cookie Dough

Me: Very cold. Probably great for those who love gingerbread. Maybe just decent for everyone else. And yet here I am eating two bowls of it in a row. Maybe I love gingerbread? 

6.5/10.

Liz: Maybe a 6. 

6/10.

- Almond Brittle with Salted Ganache

Me: First bite was "wow, this is pretty amazing." Then I had a little bit of the salted ganache, and was like, "wow that was pretty amazing." Then after about a dozen more spoonfuls I said to myself, "you know, for an ice cream flavor leading with 'Almond Brittle' in its name I sure don't taste much in the way of almond brittle." Then I found some almond brittle and, friends, no thanks. I mean, if you love almond brittle and wish it was thrown in large chunks into a frozen dessert, this may be for you. But not me. Too hard and cold. And almondy. And salty. 

6.5/10     (just Salted Ganache: 8.5/10)

Liz: This one's good, but I feel like I've had better Salt and Straw flavors. I don't usually go for ice cream flavors that, like, have a lot of stuff folded into them. Are you going to put this all down? Oh, I just got a really delicious bite of chocolate ganache. Oh yeah, that's really good chocolate. And, oh, here's a bite of almond brittle. 

7/10

- Dwanta's Teremania Spiked Eggnog

Me: It tastes like eggnog if it was frozen. Which is good, but also somehow... unremarkable? Uninspired? Pedestrian? Just boring. 

6/10

Liz: The booze isn't overwhelming, but more than I want in an ice cream. I mean the eggnog under layer is good, but I'd rather eat regular eggnog ice cream like Telanti Eggnog gelato** 

3/10

*By objective we mean entirely subjective. Opposite Day!

**This blog post in no way is intended to serve as an official endorsement of or advertisement for Haagen-daz or Talenti frozen desserts. It it intended, however, to be a wholehearted endorsement of Ben & Jerry's Americone Dream. Americone Dream 2024!

Monkey Island

In late December of 2017, just after Christmas, we visited Monkey Island, a small island off a bigger island in the middle of the Caribbean. The Caribbean islands as a whole have not had native primate species for some time, but some number of decades ago that changed. A population of rhesus macaques was brought to Cayo Santiago just off the southeastern coast of Puerto Rico to establish a research colony for primate research at the nearby Caribbean Primate Research Center. Our visit was just a short while after Hurricane Maria and the research center, nearby town of Punta Santiago, and monkey island had all been hit hard.

Our trip was part of a greater series of relief efforts which would slowly help rebuild some of the town and research center. The island itself had few permanent pre-storm structures -- the monkeys had never gotten around to building any themselves -- but the few that existed were mostly blown over or, in many cases, damaged beyond repair. Thankfully the dock which is the only means of shepherding supplies to and from the larger island remained intact. Although it is always difficult to do accurate counts given there are estimated to be 1,000+ macaques broken down into a number of mobiles groups on the island at any given time, it is estimated that only a few monkeys perished during and after the storm. Shortly after the hurricane passed the first priority was repairing Punta Santiago's dock that served as the point of departure for the daily monkey chow to the island as its vegetation and limited resources cannot support the monkeys long. This was completed by the time we arrived -- though there were still many gaps in the planks and missing boards. Our task was to help with debris clearance in anticipation of the future rebuild.

For two days we ferried over to the island and hauled twisted metal and splintered wood from one place to another. It was hot and humid even in December, and, with a few older individuals participating in the venture, we took far more breaks than probably were warranted, but nevertheless we succeeded in moving individual pieces of debris into huge piles of debris for latter shuttling off the island. Along the way we were occasionally followed by monkeys, but typically more often we were ignored completely. There was a little bit of monkey sex and a bit more monkey fighting and that was it. Aside from monkey chow time -- when the monkeys would swarm and stuff as many monkey biscuits into their hands, tails, and pockets as possible before running off awkwardly on their hind legs -- and periodic monkey migrations -- when a large herd of seemingly endless monkeys would move en masse for presumably brilliant monkey reasons -- the monkeys were more scenery than major players in our Monkey Island visit. Which is probably good because they can both be ornery and disease vectors which is never a good combination (see Herpes B virus). Interspersed amongst the monkeys were a number of iguanas that seemed equally indifferent to the presence of either of us. The most surprising aspect of our trip to Monkey Island was actually not the fauna but the flora. Or rather the lack of it. While once tropical and green the storm winds had stripped most of the leaves from the palms that typically provided cover and a once shaded island was now quite sun exposed. This was true not just of Monkey Island, but much of Puerto Rico as a whole. The power of the hurricane was still clearly visible even 3 months later.

Our work on Monkey Island aside we also helped repair some roofs, scrub mold off a ceiling -- or at least tried to, and pulled up soggy old flooring from nearby homes. There were thankfully folks with better carpentry skills than our own so hopefully the efforts are lasting. Local accommodations were provided at a hotel in the capital which was almost entirely occupied by electrical workers and individuals from various governmental and nongovernmental organizations. Although the country side and city of San Juan were not as destroyed as I had feared, the impact was still clearly present as the destruction of the island's power grid led to regular power shortages even a hundred days later and traffic lights that still didn't function. We also visited with a friend of Liz's, Nicky, who worked at the primate center and lived in a nice little town home nearby. We toured some of the nearby beaches, visited Old San Juan -- which I think is a beautiful gem of a historical town -- and ate a good number of plantains in its various incarnations. Although not a huge fan of mofongo I will never turn down a good fried plantain. 😃💟🍌

The Dot With the Smudge In the Sky

Comet NEOWISE got a lot of attention recently because, well, I guess because it's a comet. Being celestial object loving folks -- Liz in particular -- we decided a few evenings back to find some place dark and untraveled to take a look as Davis, despite being a small town, is next to a fairly big town, Sacramento, and in a haze concentrating valley, Hades. For whatever reason this required us driving about an hour northwest. I admittedly started to loose faith in my trusty navigator -- the aforementioned and quite beautiful Liz -- as we seemed to be heading into worse viewing areas around the 45 minute mark. We approached the coastal mountains raising the horizon on the west, the endlessly flat fields of Davis and Dixon were being replaced by the scrubby trees of central California, and we passed the giant Cache Creek Casino which served as a beacon of both artificial light and continuous car traffic in the darkness. Nevertheless a few minutes later we found another large and abandoned field with few trees and pulled over. After a few minutes of adjusting our eyes and about an hour or so after sunset we finally saw it. A moderately bright star in the northwest that, if you looked closely -- or crosseyed apparently if you are Liz, had a faint whispy glow extending above it. Looking at it closer with the binoculars it looked much the same, but clearer. Like a period you made with a pencil and then attempted to erase with a crappy eraser leading to a giant graphite smudge. It wasn't anything dramatic, but it was pretty. It was also the first comet I've actually ever seen. I missed comet Hale-Bopp in the 90's and purposefully opted out of comet MMMbop that same year. Because of its closeness to the horizon and dusk it never got terribly bright, but it was a unique experience and one that I am glad I got to share with my loving companion. The one hour drive back home was pretty boring, but every good comet story has to include a prolonged drive to nowhere doesn't it? Doesn't it?

Dorian

Dorian Gray was my first cat. Adopted when I married my wonderful wife and his loving mother Liz Carbone. I was never much of a cat person – didn’t dislike them so much, but didn’t find much *to like* about them – but Dorian and his brothers were our kitties, and he was exceptional. He warmed my heart over not because he was “like a dog” as most dog lovers often say about cats they have any affection for. In fact, he in many ways wasn’t even the best cat. He had the stinkiest radioactive poops I have ever experienced which he would periodically leave behind in places of his choosing. He had unwarranted aggression for his brothers, Jimmy Page in particular, leading to an almost daily deluge of cat punches and ear bites. And he was the biggest food thief I have ever met, willing to commit breaking and entering crimes in order to get access to his favorite prizes: butter, vegetable oil, and cheese. It was these things, combined with some more adorable quirks in his behavior, which gave him personality and made him unique. His vow of silence broken only by occasional gremlin-like cat noises was funny and endearing. His love hate relationship with Jimmy made for an endless source of Snapchats and illustrated portraits. And his nuzzling, head bumping love for his mom, which was only shown periodically on inexplicable whims, also made him a special and great cat. A cat I will always remember, and a cat I will honestly miss. You were a great little angry guy, Dorian Gray, and you died too soon. I am only happy we caught your illness in time to prepare for it some and put you to your final rest before you became too uncomfortable with life. I can only hope our future cats, and Jimmy and Robert’s future brothers, will be just a little bit like you. Except for the atomic turds perhaps.

RIP little buddy. 

Love always, dad. 

T+100ish Hours: Denouement

After the wedding was, apparently, the picking up of the wedding. Thankfully the Stone House allowed us to complete the majority of this the following morning. It still took a few hours to pack almost as much stuff into our vehicle as we had brought up with us, and another hour and a half to get it all back home. Over the next few weeks we divided our supplies into giveaway, toss, and keep. We managed to reduce a carload of boxes to one small box of wedding keepsakes. And, then, like that we were married.

It went by quick. Although enjoyable, celebratory, and fun it also felt a bit like we were putting on a show. In that sense there was a certain relief to having completed the program the following day, and this feeling combined with the subtle elation of being newlyweds and the fatigued disappointment of maybe having, perhaps inevitably, been so busy we missed out on some of the fun, to create an odd mishmash of feelings. None too strong, and still on the whole superseded by happiness, but nevertheless complicated. A quick transition to a honeymoon could have perhaps returned the feeling of the enterprise to a higher note, but unfortunately our dear Dorian's health declined significantly after our return and we had to put him down just a few days later thus delaying our trip to the Yukon. It was the right decision, though, given our limited time with him, and honeymoons can always wait. There's an excitement to be had in the anticipation anyway. Regardless, the wedding was over, we both had new rings, and, honestly, the only thing that felt substantially different when it was over was a new sense of permanence. A peaceful, enjoyable, serene sense that Liz and I, previously together indefinitely would now be together forever. At least until one of us is eaten by cats.

T+1.5 Hours: First Dances & Fiesta

I danced with my mom to Rascal Flatt's "My Wish" in an act of great love and personal sacrifice.

Liz danced with her dad to Neil Young's "Heart of Gold" in a slow moving, but elegant nightclub two-step.

Liz and I danced together to Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough" in fun, but slightly clunky fashion thanks to Liz's long dress and my robot-like dance moves. The real winners, though, were the three foot long sparklers which provided us with a flaming white circle which to dance in and gave our introductory song "Danger, High Voltage" by Electric Six the relevance it needed to be included in our musical lineup. The sparklers also took some pressure off us, since most guests were completely mesmerized by fire (especially when one of Liz's cousins tried to fashion a combo super-sparkler and instead rendered a torch) and unaware of our performance.

Danger! Danger! High voltage!

Alright it's really friggin' cold out here. Every back inside for some cake smashing, err cutting.

The reception itself went fairly well. The up lights were thankfully changed from their initial rainbow color palette to the requested amber which looked great. The food was enjoyed by most although we heard unsubstantiated reports after the fact that the fish and veggie dishes didn't delight universally. And the dessert options were fabulous with the definite exception of their cutting -- I think Luccah could have cut the cake with more intelligence than the Stone House staff who basically cut the edges off the lower levels of the cake until an inaccessible three-tiered cake cylinder remained -- and the possible exception of the middle passion fruit layer which was a tad dry. Adam, Ashlee, Sara, Dave, John, Jinnie, and my dad all gave toasts of some sort, and although Liz's dad's toast included a fair amount of revisionist history they were all heartfelt and well received. Unfortunately only a small portion of Sara's toast made it onto film. An interactive wedding quiz was bravely put on by Moriah and Gabby, but they didn't have quite enough stage presence to quiet the crowds and our crowds didn't have quite enough consideration to quiet themselves. So, all in all, not the perfect reception, but, all in all, still a great experience I will always happily look back on.

 Because, well, cat butts...

T+30 Mins: Time for a Petting Zoo!

I'm a fairly easy to please guy. A wedding is enough when a wedding is planned. As long as there's cake and a donut castle. :) Liz, on the other hand, is a woman of far greater vision. She is a woman of imagination. Inspiration! Perspiration! She is a woman who knew what she wanted for her wedding, eventually, and what she wanted was goats. So goats we had. As the clock struck 5:30 and we recessioned out to the back of the venue, the goats processioned in. Along with their friends the chickens, the bunnies, the sheep, the miniature horse, and Lenny the llama. Accompanied by a generous supply of handlers, they initially congregated in the parking lot before we were able to usher them in to a section on the back of the patio, where they then proceeded to be adorable for an hour. Only down side? Hard to get people to take family photos when all they wanna do is take animal photos.

 

 

T-0! Forever and Ever I do

Finally! Wedding time!

With her head cocked back and her arm outstretched Liz stepped out onto the top of the iron staircase leading down to the first floor of the Stone House patio. [Unfortunately we can't share that moment with you, because it was captured by neither video nor photo. I don't even know if people saw it because the DJ started my music cue while all eyes were still on Butternut giving the rings to Kendall at the alter. Maybe it never happened at all]. She grabbed her dad's hand, and made her way down to the ceremony [carefully- in poorly fitted heels on a steep twisting staircase] waiting for her below where she was joined by her mom, the three of them making the final steps to the wedding arch where we would be married [and realizing on the way that parts of the path were only wide enough for 2 people, which was awkward]. It was like much the rest of the wedding would be, a detail laden combination of highly choreographed theater [was it?] and Doctor Horrible's sing along blog. Traditional wedding beauty and personal, touching quirkiness. The following is a brief summary of ceremony events:

Wedding Processional Song- "Somebody to Love" by Queen

[I timed out the entrances of all members of the wedding party to the Queen song to ensure even pacing and logical use of musical cues. The main goal was to have Scooter emerge at the climax of the song. The coordinator was totally unmoored by the plan, and it didn't help that we couldn't practice it in rehearsal because I hadn't brought the right edited version of the song. It didn't quite go to plan during the wedding, but at least Scooter made his cue. Hopefully at least one person noticed.] {As a counter comment, all that mattered was I depart at the right moment, which was easy, and everyone else depart in a relatively spaced out manner, which was relatively easy. Perfection, if possible, would have been wasted effort.}

Bride Processional Song - "Be My Baby" by the Ronette's.

Opening Remarks - Kendall, our officiant, opened with a good lawyer joke as any lawyer should, followed by the usual introductory remarks and a passage from the Supreme Court marriage equality case on a more secular meaning of marriage. Lest things get too technical, this was followed by a retrieval of the rings from the Ring Beagle for a communal ring warming. Thankfully, everyone loves a Ring Beagle. [At some point, Sara reminded me not to lock my knees... wise words.]

Readings - My sister Heidi read a passage from Winnie the Pooh and my sister Tammy read the lyrics of "The Book of Love" by the Magnetic Fields. They were about as well received as any wedding reading is.

The day before the wedding, Liz found a three-pack of rainbow unicorn notebooks to serve as written sources for our readings and vows. 

Chemistry Unity Ceremony - Liz and I collectively think unity ceremonies are a bit dumb. Why does anyone need to waste five minutes of everyone's time to symbolize what everyone clearly understands to be happening with a boring candle that doesn't even explode in the end? We were both convinced otherwise, however, when we realized we could use the opportunity to make something explode or, given the lack of available eye protection, at least foamy and frothy. Our more controlled soap bubble explosion was the "elephant toothpaste" chemical reaction (NaI + H2O2 + dish soap) which, although it didn't have quite the kick it had in earlier practice sessions, steamed and fumed nicely. Thankfully everyone loves a good foam explosion.

[There was back-and-forth in the weeks leading up to the wedding about the feasibility of a potentially messy ceremony display. I was worried about getting iodine and food coloring on the venue's nice stone patio or on people's fancy clothes. To make a long story short, we decided to proceed but set up a table with a shower curtain to contain the overflow. I thought we would do the display off to the side so if there was spillage, we could move away from it, back to the arbor to continue to ceremony. I was surprised when Ro and Adam picked up the table and moved it right over to the arbor (surprised is not something I wanted to be during the ceremony). What if the ground got dyed foam in the place where my expensive white ground-dwelling train was supposed to be? I was hugely relieved when the foam extended to the edges of the table and then obediently stopped expanding.]

Vows -  After a quick farkle [or, as 99% of us call it, Ro-Sham-Bo -- the traditional way of determining vow order], we delivered our views. Arguably the most important part of the wedding aside from the legally binding "I do"s, we both decided to hand write our vows in the week or so prior to the wedding. I generally find I deliver lectures better when I familiarize myself well with the material and speak off the cuff more than reading from a script. Unfortunately this wasn't like delivering a lecture, and I stuttered and flubbed and choked up just a bit [I didn't notice the flubs]. 😅 Liz, perhaps knowing better, read directly from her notes and delivered a clearly articulated series of vows like a true wedding professional. 😎 Mine started with a reference to the deficiencies I witnessed in other relationships as a younger man, followed by a commitment to always be grateful for Liz and to never take her or our relationship for granted, while Liz touched on various defining moments in our relationship which helped solidify her belief that I was the one she would spend the rest of her life with. As official texts of The Greatest Wedding Ever, local anthropologists requested the words be preserved for future generations. They were thus forever bound in unicorn emblazoned, rainbow colored note pads consistent with current practices.

Another Reading - Shadi shared a quick amusing comment from Willy Wonka which, like all wedding readings, was tolerated.

Marriage License Signing - Liz really wanted to incorporate the signing of the marriage license by our officiant and two witnesses (our mothers). Although I thought it may crowd the ceremony some, I consented because I love her, she is wonderful, and because we used Europe's "The Final Countdown" to transition to the signing. [I wanted our ceremony to be grounded in the practical, not just the fluffy and sentimental. This is a legally binding contract, people.] Plus Liz also rainbow glitter duct taped every surface of the clipboard and razzle dazzled the pens with peacock feathers. Thankfully everyone loves a rainbow glitter taped, peacock feather pen?

Declaration of Intent, Rings, and Kiss - These all went about as you would expect them to. Fantastic. 😄