The Fifth Column

Over the past few weeks an insidious new menace has slowly advanced upon us. It has crossed our borders, invaded our homes, and watched us as we slept at night. It is ever increasing in number, ever resolute in purpose, ever purposeless in its existence. It is: tiny, little damn flies.

Stowaways on my houseplants, the first tiny flies immigrated into my home unknowningly and inconspicuously. Establishing themselves in the terracotta pots they were tolerated even welcomed at first, often working the jobs I myself did not want to work. Within days, however, their numbers increased and they were often to be founding loatering around the windowsills or flying about drunkenly with no apparent goal or purpose in mind. Simple police measures were initiated and a few flies were made examples of in the hopes that the rest would leave, but this would only be the beginning.

Emboldened by their numbers and little, tiny fly brains they grew more aggressive. Flying about at all hours of day and often seemingly intentionally flying directly into my face and eyes whenever it pleased them, the crackdown continued and negotiations were attempted. Deadlocked after the first few promising rounds, the dialogue ended over the flies refusal to concede measured autonomy and the right to fly up my nose whenever it pleased them. It was then that the decision was made for a more forceful response.

Over the next few days fly squashing picked up dramatically both in absolute numbers and in intensity. Now flies were no longer smashed only when behaving egregiously, but whenever found and in all instances. Periodic fly swatting campaigns were undertaken in the hoping of reducing their numbers. As their populations only increased, however, reproducing like some sort of crazy reproducing thing, little bowls of water and sugar were laid out at their favorite spots as traps which would eventually take the lives of dozens if not hundreds of the annoying little buggers. The conflict, now arguably a smoldering low level war, only continued.

It is now the present day. With fly corpses all over the friggin' place, and hundreds more in my vacuum cleaner, the campaign continues still. In an escalation of hostilities I have since purchased an insecticide spray with which I have doused the tiny flies' homes and hopefully their tiny fly playgrounds and schools. My skill in slapping the bejeezus out of them mid air has improved remarkably though there is, as of yet, no sign that their numbers are declining. If current military actions fail I may have to resort to napalm or a box of tiny frogs. There can unfortunately be no compromise. The tiny flies follow an ultraconservative, fundamentalist ideology. To them flying into my ear at night fully knowing their impending disintegration amongst my fingertips is an act of holy sacrifice where in heaven they will be accordingly rewarded, presumably with the chance to fly into other peoples' ears at night. There can be no peace until there are no flies. There is no other way; there can be no other way. Please by war bonds to aid us in this effort.

The current fly alert levels is burgundy. Be suspicious of things!

A Brief Visit

This last weekend my brother and sister-in-law visited with their dog and dog-like thing. Being in the Cardiac Care Unit (CCU) still I was semi-lucid throughout most their visit which is about 25% more lucid than I typically am in the intensive care unit. Despite the wacky hours and Sushi's repeated attempts at thwarting good times by her unrequested pooping and stick leg punch assaults we managed to have a reasonably good time complete with Robin Hood, Sea World, and the requisite Nerts play.

The best part, though? Toxic Waste candy. Between visiting Sea World's timeless Cannery Row Caper and the slightly less entertaining spray-water-in-your-face 4D Pirate movie experience we visited the candy shop which, in addition to the standard candy fare, advertised Toxic Waste: Hazardously Sour Candy. It was sour, no doubt, but I would have hesitated to call it hazardously so. As such, in the interest of ascertaining the truth, we then insisted Adam eat six of them at once. He survived with little more than some superficial sloughing of the oral mucosa and with little in the way of face puckering. Still not terribly hazardous. Then we saw that they were made in Pakistan. He now has cancer.

Anyways, here, finally, are photos from Canada.

The Loose Moose

Canada, it seems, is the land of wacky restaurant names. C'est What?, Kit Kat Italian Bar and Grill, Fred's Not Here, Burrito Boyz, The Jerk Spot, Joe Mamas, The Red Tomato, Hey Lucy, Forget About It, and, of course, The Loose Moose. Much more creative at least, than San Antonio's perennial favorite, Taqueria Jalisco Arandas #4 which about every third restaurant is named. And they were tasty too!

There was of course more to Toronto than good food; though, skinny people! I had forgotten what it was like to be in a city of attractive individuals. We undoubtebly brought down the standard in our highwater, navel hugging dress blues, but being a polite people the Canadians didn't seem to mind.

The conference from a conference perspective was a success, I guess. There was much conferencing at least. And I was right, it basically was both a series of boring lectures by distinguished guests and internal medicine dance party. If by internal medicine dance party you mean more boring lectures by distinguished guests. Thankfully they were interesting boring lectures, and by and large fairly educational. There was also a moose sculpture painted in a rather dapper tuxedo at the special events center that I am still sorry I did not get my picture taken with.

When we weren't conferencing we were poster presenting, and that was unfortunately not quite as successful. Although I displayed my poster with the best of 'em, it won me no prizes. Which, we all know, is the sole purpose of presenting research posters. I am hopeful the judges are regretful of their decision and lying awake at night troubled by the knowledge my genius went unacknowledged. If so they may send any and all reconciliatory awards and medals to me directly at an address to be given upon request.

And when we weren't poster presenting we were... drinking recklessly? An overstatement perhaps, but my co-residents it seems like to party and no party is complete, Canadian or otherwise, without significant sums of alcohol. Everyone was safe and classy, no doubt, but safe and classy and somewhat inebriated. Thankfully Toronto is a travel friendly town and whether through taxi, or metro, or bus, or foot, or bike, or rollerblade everyone made it home safely. Likely because no one took to rollerblading.

Then there was a trip to Toronto Island where we road slightly effeminate bicycles. Visits to an amazing museum or two. An aborted trip to Niagara Falls thanks to a complete absence of rental cars. Some Tim Horton donuts (which it turns out are just "alright" if my Canadian brethren may forgive me.) And a whole lot of aimless city wandering.

I cannot say I completely experienced Toronto or even got a true, adequate taste of Canada, but I can say it was a pretty good time. Will definitely have to go back some day. No doubt aboot it.

Oh, Canada...

Canadian photos pending future computer cooperation. They're just that awesome. And my computer is just that not cooperative.

Who Got the Funk?

We got the funk.

All of it. Right here. At University Hospital.

I have worked at many hospitals in my long and storied life, but none quite as funky as University. Specifically, funky smelling. Brooke smells like molded plastic and Wilford smells sometimes a little moldy, but University smells like sweat, pee, sweaty pee, and a hundred other things. I am not sure if this is a county hospital thing or just a San Antonio thing, but I have smelt some pretty unspeakable smells. With the construction taking place immediately adjacent to our team room the scents have been accented recently by what I can only guess are the odors of latex paint and rubber cement which transitions to maple syrup if you huff enough of it. If trends continue I may turn to adorning all my patients with pine scented car fresheners, spraying them down with Lysol spray prior to interviews, spraying myself down with Lysol spray prior to interviews, or just sticking coal briquettes up my nose. Regardless of the solution, this funk cannot go on forever or I will not go on forever. It's just too funky.

Thankfully, the Vistana currently smells like San Clemente. I am grateful for flowering Jasmine.

The Borinquen Tsunami and the Coming Apocalypse

Shortly, Canada.

But first, Puerto Rico. Fear it!

I was informed by an anonymous someone that nefarious plans were afoot. Specifically, nefarious plans to force statehood on our southern neighbor, Puerto Rico! It is south of here right?

The source for this? None other but the infallible, relentlessly patriotic, ceaselessly honest, steadfastly freedom loving, good Mr. Glenn Beck. His esteemed words.

Or, if you don't like clicking because clicking is hard:

I want to talk to you about the fundamental transformation of America. It could happen tomorrow.

But first, you have to understand progressives. What is it that progressives believe?

• Big government, power and control: It's not about Democrats or Republicans, people. It's power and control. You can't choose for yourself. You're too dumb, so progressives will choose and regulate everything for you

• Democratic elections: This is important to progressives. You'll hear it "democratically elected" to refer to leaders like Hitler, Chavez and Castro — all democratically elected

• Social justice: Collective redemption through the government: Call it socialism, Marxism, whatever — it's all about the redistribution of wealth

Now, I want to talk to you about Puerto Rico. Understand: This is not about Hispanics. It's not about freedom. It's about power and control.

Puerto Rico is a self-governing commonwealth, but is subject to U.S. jurisdiction and sovereignty. It's been a U.S. territory since after the Spanish-American War of 1898. They're not an independent country. It's similar to Guam, the Virgin Islands and American Samoa. Some people like it, others don't; they get to enjoy many of the benefits of America — like protection — and they don't have to pay any taxes. That's a pretty sweet deal.

So it's no wonder "the people" have consistently voted against becoming America's 51st state; three times since 1967 — the latest in 1998. It's always been the same question: Do you want to be a state?

Now, let's take you to Washington, where there's important vote happening: HR 2499 — it's called "The Puerto Rico Democracy Act." Gosh darn it, who could be against that? The bill is a non-binding resolution, supposedly to support Puerto Rico's "self-determination" on if they want to be a state or not.

That's so cute. Wait, I thought they already had a right to vote? They do. So I'm left with the question: Why do they need a non-binding resolution to support their self-determination? Is there something going on that I'm not aware of that is so important that we need to take attention away from the economy or immigration?

We've asked some of the Republicans in Congress who are supporting this bill and here are some of the answers:

"This is a vote about freedom."

"This vote does not grant Puerto Rico statehood, it simply gives Puerto Ricans the right to determine if statehood is something they want for themselves."

See, I thought they already had that. Three times they voted on that. It's almost like something else is going on. But remember, they keep telling me it's "non-binding."

If I just trusted progressives. With progressives, democratic elections always comes with a trick. For instance, Hitler was democratically elected. But as the chancellor, not the fuhrer. Whether it be through parliamentary tricks or corruption, it's important to progressives to have the appearance of "the republic." Remember: They went through the democratic process for health care.

So what's the trick?

HR 2499 — if it passes — would force a yes or no vote in Puerto Rico on whether Puerto Rico should maintain the "current status" of the island. Wait, that's not a vote on statehood. That's a vote on do you want to "maintain the status quo."

Let me ask you this: Do you want to maintain the status quo of America? ACORN's Bertha Lewis would agree with me and say no, I don't want our current direction. But we would disagree on the reasons why.

See the trick?

In the past, statehood fails because some people like the status quo, some want to be a state and some want to be independent. There are too many choices, too many options. They need to unite people. Do you want to maintain the status quo unites them, not on the answer but on the question.

See, the folks that like the status quo are more likely to vote for statehood than independence.

In 1998, there were five options on the ballot: Limited self-government; free association; statehood; sovereignty and none of the above. Which one won? None of the above.

But now, the vote is going to happen in two stages. The first stage: Do you want to maintain the status quo? Then a chair is removed. The second vote leaves you with three choices: statehood; full independence or modified commonwealth.

Remember, full independence and modified commonwealth historically get less than 3 percent of the vote. So those options will be the only thing standing in the way of Puerto Rico becoming a state.

But Glenn, it's non-binding. Big deal!

True, but here's where if you don't know history, you are destined to repeat it. Let me introduce something to you called the Tennessee Plan. (This is probably going to sound like a conspiracy theory, but I have one thing the conspiracy theories never have.)

OK — so the Tennessee Plan, you've probably never heard of it unless you are from Tennessee or Alaska. Apparently, some of those who took an oath to protect and defend the Constitution haven't heard of it either. When Tennessee first came to the Union, it had a different name; it was first called "Territory of the United States South of the River Ohio." It was a U.S. territory, just like Puerto Rico is now.

But instead of waiting for Congress to decide if they wanted to make the territory a state, they took a different, bold route: They forced the issue themselves:

• They elected delegates for Congress

• They voted on statehood

• They drafted a state constitution

• And applied for statehood

• Then, when Congress dragged their feet, they went to the Capitol and demanded to be seated

Congress was unsure of how to proceed; this was the first territory going for statehood. They relented and Tennessee became America's 16th state. Alaska did many of the same things.

Again, the Tennessee plan in a nutshell:

• Unsuccessfully petitioning Congress for admission

• Drafting a state constitution without prior congressional intervention

• Holding state elections for state officers, U.S. senators and representatives

• In some cases, sending the entire congressional delegation to Washington to demand statehood and claim their seats

• Finally, Congress has little choice but to admit a new state through the passage of a simple act of admission

Congressmen, voting for HR 2499 are like sheep being led to slaughter. They'll say the people of Puerto Rico have a right to vote for themselves. They'll vote yes. The progressives will then present a false choice to the people. Instead of saying "do you want to be a state?"it's "Do you want the status quo?" If voters vote no, the next vote removes the status quo from the ballot, leaving statehood against two far less popular options. They'll vote yes for statehood. Then they'll elect their congressman and senators, they'll demand to be seated and a 51st star will be attached to the flag.

How could this happen? Look at the immigration debate. What are Arizona and Texas being called? Racists. Anyone opposing Puerto Rico as state 51 would be called a hatemonger. Why do you hate Puerto Ricans so much? Why do you hate freedom?

This is not about Hispanics or freedom or sovereignty. It's about power and control. If progressives convince Hispanics that everyone besides progressives are racist, you'll have their vote for 60 years. But it's more than that.

Why are Democrats and Republicans for this? Because it's not about Republicans and Democrats. The progressives in our country know that this is the moment they've been waiting for; every Marxist daydream they've ever had, now is their time to get it done. They are not going to let it pass.

That's what's happening: The fundamental transformation of America. And this is only the beginning.

I told that this sounds like a conspiracy theory. But who is orchestrating this effort in Puerto Rico? Lo and behold, the New Progressive Party; from their own party platform:

"The New Progressive Party adopts the Tennessee Plan as an additional strategy for the decolonization and the claim for the admission of Puerto Rico as the 51st State of the United States of America."

And: "This shall be done through legislation which will establish a process for the adoption and ratification of the Constitution of the State of Puerto Rico, and the election of two senators and six federal congresspersons to appear before Congress in Washington D.C. to claim their seats and the admission of Puerto Rico as the 51st State of the United States of America."

They're going to paint this as a vote for freedom, but Puerto Rico has already voted and they've already spoken. When they send the delegates to Washington, if you stand against this you'll be labeled a racist.

What a friggin' racist.

Ha ha ha, ohhh... seriously. What a paranoid schizophrenic. Ignoring the obvious irrational fear evident in the above detailed inevitable cascade of events -- first Congress and the Senate pass the bill for the plebiscite, second Puerto Ricans vote that they do not want to "continue the status quo" due to an unexplainable impulse in the majority of Puerto Ricans to resist it, third they all vote for statehood because they have been duped into accepting what they have previously consistently rejected, fourth they continue this pursuit of what they don't want by drafting a state constitution, fifth they elect representatives and senators because that's what one state did over 200 hundred years ago, and sixth, presto-changeo, Puerto Rico inexplicably becomes a state in the progressive's plan for a Greater Marxist Amerika -- ignoring all that, and his facts are not even correct. Despite Beck's use of the phrase "continue the status quo" this is no where listed in the bill or the plebescite the bill intends to create as can be seen here. Rather they would choose between:

(1) Puerto Rico should continue to have its present form of political status. If you agree, mark here XX.

(2) Puerto Rico should have a different political status. If you agree, mark here XX.

Moreover, assuming they were to give in to the siren call of Puerto Rico having a "different political status" the second vote would not be between three options, two of which Puerto Ricans allegedly hate and none of which leaves things unchanged, but rather four options with the following choices:

(1) Independence: Puerto Rico should become fully independent from the United States. If you agree, mark here XX.CommentsClose CommentsPermalink

(2) Sovereignty in Association with the United States: Puerto Rico and the United States should form a political association between sovereign nations that will not be subject to the Territorial Clause of the United States Constitution. If you agree, mark here XX.

(3) Statehood: Puerto Rico should be admitted as a State of the Union. If you agree, mark here XX.CommentsClose CommentsPermalink

(4) Commonwealth: Puerto Rico should continue to have its present form of political status. If you agree, mark here XXX.

So supposing they did vote in round one like suckers, they could essentially easily recant this vote by simply selecting option (4).

But let's get back to that obvious irrational fear. Not only are Adolf Hitler, Hugo Chavez, and Fidel Castro all mentioned in a roughly four page article that has no clear connection to any of them, Hitler is actually mentioned twice. In addition to ACORN, caricatured portrayals of progressives, and socialism that is. Then there's the suggestion that all of this is being done in the back doors and dark chambers of our democratically elected Congress -- even though the bill was first submitted and publicly known about almost one year ago -- and the simultaneous suggestion that the bill is part of a gamble to "take attention away from the economy or immigration" despite it apparently being done in secret. And, lastly, a reference to the New Progressive Party of Puerto Rico which, despite its names, and Beck's attempts to suggest otherwise, is in many ways not particularly progressive and certainly not new.

So why now? I, like I would gamble Glenn Beck, cannot say. I cannot explain a lot of things. Perhaps it's because Pedro Pierluisi, a known a vocal advocate of statehood for the territory, was elected to Congress for Puerto Rico in late 2008 a few months prior to his sponsoring of the bill likely has something to do with it. Perhaps it is because a very similar version of the bill was submitted in 2007 but never voted on. Or perhaps it is because this is all part of a still greater plan to reverse annex the US to Mexico. I would ask my Puerto Rican comrades in the Army medical corps, but all they want to talk about is the redistribution of wealth and class warfare.

If you haven't heard enough about Puerto Rico's grand putsch may I suggest:

The details of HR 2499 at the nonprofit for government transparency OpenCongress.org. This site is awesome.

The details of of why Beck is crazy at the moderately conservative web publication The New Ledger. Moderately less awesome.

Dog - 2, Human - 0

I have been bested. By a dog with a tendency to tear up things.

Last week I had two jobs: watch my friend's dog, protect the bag of feathers. The second job wasn't so much explicitly communicated as generally understood seeing as how the first time I was tasked with watching the dog ended with a torn up bag of feathers. It seems, though, I am good at neither because on the third day of dog watching, my first day back at work, I returned home to find a few feathers scattered on the staircase and one million plus feathers strewn about the living room with a very proud Siberian Husky standing in the middle. Exasperate and clearly defeated I didn't know what to do. So I sat down on the couch and played some Call of Duty. The cats, meanwhile, threw up.

And then we all went out for ice cream.

The World Will Never be the Same

Avatar was an amazing movie experience. It was a pretty lame movie.

Similarly Alice in Wonderland is all sorts of crazy. Take away one key aspect of it, however, and it's just plain crazy.

The Internet, cell phones, computers, twirl-a-squirrel, jet packs, 3D movies; they've all changed the world from childhood, but only 3D cinema has been revolutionary. (And only 3D cinema has given me vertigo while also making me slightly queasy in the first few minutes -- but that is neither here nor there.) Science has brought about much progress, but in just about every way it has been gradual and so imperceptible. Not so with 3D. One day two, the next day three. Without a 2.5D intermediate step there is no gradation, no adaptation, and no ambivalence. Movies are brought to life, unoriginal plot lines and unremarkable dialogue are overlooked, and flat things become not so flat things all with the simple donning of glasses. Even painfully stereotyped characters and blue people are forgivable in 3D. There is no sin too great when committed in a technicolor background that pops out at you. If 3D were a person, I'd merry it. Maybe even have a little 3D family.

Anyways, I love 3D and regular D movies now disgust me. I gather if Obama had presented health care reform in 3D it'd be passed by now.