Welcome to the Circus

For my final act of intern year, a grand menagerie! A collection of things that shouldn't be; a hospital of patients that are not sick! Gather one, gather all to the myth, the mystery, the *greatest* show in history; the last month of inpatient Internal Medicine as an intern!

The Man Without Symptoms!
Straight from Bavaria and to our show exclusively, the man without symptoms! Not a single complaint. Not a single problem. Flawless, painless, soreless and completely disease free; solely in need of a complicated CT scan available only in our very own military institution! Watch as he is not only hospitalized, anesthetized, dialyzed, and lesion localized, but also canonized, exorcised, and cannibalized all over the course of a three day hospital stay. The man has no business being here but because no expense is too small and no admission to the hospital too trivial we will admit him for your viewing satisfaction anyway!

The Respiratorical Horror That Wasn't!
Also for your exclusive entertainment a man so sick, so ill, so reportedly toxic and pernicious, you'll be surprised to hear it's *all* fictitious; the man with a COPD exacerbation so stable it's exasperating! His symptoms are at baseline. His oxygen requirement is unchanged. His breathing is unlabored. He looks altogether all too good; but for a limited time only he will be admitted directly from clinic to receive the same care he'd of received at home!

The Woman that Communes with Spirits!
Next. Born with a terrible gift. A young woman scourged by the Almighty with a supernatural talent lain dormant for centuries. Our very own telegraph to another world. The Woman that Communes with Orthopedic Surgeons! She will be brought to the hospital for reasons unworldly, her care will guided by voices emanating from the very ether, and her entire stay will be determined by a presence heard but never seen! Truly, lads, you have not lived until you have communicated with those not living! Commune with the orthopods for just one shilling! *Never* has health care been so thrilling!

The Amazing Record Player Woman!
Imagine now madams and gents: every day the same thing, every day the same thing, every day the same thing. The next poor woman is bound by an inescapable cosmic cycle to call the police weekly raving of impending robbery at the hands of her neighbors. She is captured in an unbreakable celestial loop to be brought to the hospital on a seven day circuit to be treated for the exact same dementia. She will see exactly the same physicians. Decline exactly the same tests. And be discharged to exactly the same home exactly the same way every time; just like clockwork! It's a rotation so accurate you can mark your calendar by it -- I kid you not! And you're in luck with this one, folks, because if you miss this week's show just come back next week for the encore!

The Phantom Fibrillation!
And if that wasn't enough, friends, gather closer as I speak to you of a phenomenon that some say doesn't exist. A phantasm that materializes only to vanish seconds later. A cardiac conduction abnormality that few have ever seen! The Phantom Fibrillation! The poor bearer of this accursed arrhythmic spirit -- a gentleman from our very own town -- is forced to walk the Earth waiting for his next atrial possession. Come awe at the reports from the ER of his shortness of breath. Then astonish as the same ER reports him to be symptom free! And finally astound as we admit to monitor him, test him, and pursue a workup that could just as easily be done at the cardiac clinic anyway! Now we cannot guarantee that the specters will present themselves, but we *can* guarantee that if they do it will be an event you will not want to miss!

The Golden Crap!
But that's not all. No that's not all at all, folks. Don't even think about it -- not a bit! Our very last act -- our very last sensation, the topic of tomorrow's conversation, an aberration of constipation; ladies and gentleman I present to you the Golden Crap! The man has not pooed for days, some say months, possibly even years! Many have tried to disimpact him but some say he is undisimpactable. He will come into the hospital for one day and one day only to have what many believe will be the most expensive bowel movement ever!

(And cue curtain.)

In conclusion: sometimes my life is like a circus. But with less funnel cake.