Risky Business

Last month I vacationed to California for family fun time or, as it is also known in my family, Joust. Although we do not actually dawn armor and brandish shields in attempts to impale each other with poles, there is a lot of yelling and noise and inevitably someone will get trampled by a horse. It is just a matter of time before we break out the pikes.

Aside from periodic outbreaks of third grade name calling, no visit home would be complete without... well sleeping on the ground? Mostly it's just periodic outbreaks of third grade name calling. Fruity Pebbles, there was lots of that too. And clothes disappearing into a still as of yet unlocalized black hole. And... Fox News?

Typical family vacations aside, the time was spent in a variety of activities, most important of which being collectively kicking Bowser's backside in Nintendo Wii. That and denying Lucca access to the game. Of course there was also:

• Time at the beach in the gravel and surf
• Three flies up (man Hawaiian girls got weak arms)
• Chocolate covered soggy bananas
• Fireworks
• HORSE (man Hawaiian girls got weak arms)
• Gabby teaching my friend Ro and I to surf
• Eighteen man Nertz
• In-N-Out just once (so sad)
• A never ending game of paddle ball against every last one of my nieces
• Time with Grandma Ruby and Grandma Ruby's nurse
• Time walking home from the park after getting our truck locked in the parking lot
• Time with Matthew and Michael and Michael's cougar
• A corrupted game of Risk complicated by Adam's treacherous general surrender of his empire to his enemy and coincidental wife Ashlee
• An Angels game
• And our surprisingly violent improvised obstacle course (Lily your catastrophic fall was still the greatest)

We even managed to have a beach fire and s'mores for once where Sarah patented the 4x4. At least I think it was Sarah and I think they called it the 4x4. Whatever it was, it was one gigantic wad of marshmallow and chocolate.

The highlight, though, for me at least, was Disneyland. Disneyland! I hadn't been there in like... a really really long time. And apparently they've shrunk the place. It was definitely about half the size I remembered it being. I don't know how they did it; that Disney guy is a genius. Star Tours and Matterhorn may were my favorite rides -- now that the People Mover has been removed -- but Jungle Tour and the Rockets were close seconds save Beeders crushing my hip with his gangly, non-rocket conforming body. There was a slight drizzle, but it made it refreshing, and there were surprisingly long lines at times, but these were vanquished by our Quick Pass running-man Adam. My only regret was that more people could not have been there to see Moriah and Maya run like the dickens away from the animatronic jaguar in the Jungle Book tree house. Seriously, the dickens people. The dickens.

All in all, mostly good times were had mostly. Which is a success in our family so three cheers for that. Next time perhaps we can all sing Christmas carols in matching wool sweaters. I'll bring the tranquilizers.

Photos of the trip (i.e. us standing in various Disney lines!)

The Organic Squirrel Gets a Bike Helmet

Last week I visited my sister and her family in Molokai, the Wild West of Hawaii. Or, at the very least, the slow country cousin of the same.

But, alas, they have grown so old. And acquired new pets it seems. Averaging about 1.3 dogs annually over the years -- as most seem to meet an early demise either runned over on the dusty streets immediately outside their house or gunned down in some forlorn, whiskey soaked saloon in Kaunakakai proper -- I was expecting some sort of dog but not quite the household I was welcomed by. On arrival I was greeted by three lovely, and taller, young nieces (Moriah, Sarah, and Lily) and three cute, and excitable, young canines (Mash Potatoes, Summit, and Monkey Pod.) Add to that a bitey rabbit named DC, a kidnapped chameleon named Gus, and about 3.5 million ants of various shapes, sizes, and colors, and I felt right at home.

Once settled we then began my grand packaged tour. First a meandering hike to Haipuapua Falls in Halawa Valley (we shot for Moaula Falls but got lost,) then some time at the beach, followed by Easter at Lane's, a luau, a trip to the Kamakou Preserve (where we absconded with Gus), some more time at the beach, and lastly a brief bushwacking to the Iliiliopae Heiau (one of Hawaii's largest temples and a site of human sacrifice) which concluded properly with me climbing a tree in an abandoned orchard to wack down some oranges with a stick. Life was good on Molokai. Simple and satisfying.

There was also considerable hormonal moodiness, not nearly enough lunch meat, and too much Moriah horse collar tackling Lily into a concussion to be certain, but that is part of the family experience. You're not supposed to get what you want, just three square meals a day, a roof over your head, and a body in your personal space.

If I had wanted boring I would have stayed in San Antonio.

Molokai mo bettah.