Prosecutors Will Be Violated

Sometimes we need to be protected, and sometimes we need to be protected from ourselves. Thankfully that is where the Vistana apartment management comes in: to ruthlessly wield the iron club of justice on all who would perpetrate wrong doing. Wrong doing in this case defined by a monthly one page handout.

Each month like so many apartment complexes the Vistana provides us with a newsletter of sorts consisting of a few entirely uninteresting articles on entirely random subjects, a couple quotes about nonsense, a recipe for those who get their recipes from newsletters, and an empty calendar for those who need to know when Christmas and Boxing Day are since these are typically the only kind of events that makes it onto the list. Enclosed with our newsletters, however, is frequently another slip of paper. Sometimes white, sometimes pink, suggestive of something fun, fun it is not. No, it is the monthly reminder of things not to do pending criminal prosecution and summary execution. Don't throw boxes down the trash chute! Don't have too many guests over! Don't let others through the parking gate without paying the parking bridge troll! Don't smile unnecessarily or yield the right of way! Don't let your pets! The list goes on and on.

A few days ago, perhaps fearing people were just throwing their silly newsletters away without at least perusing through its pages, they decided to be more direct. I came home to find a note stuck in the corner of my door. With Christmas tree clip art affixed to the bottom corner of it I thought perhaps they were having some sort of holiday social, but no, they were putting us on notice:

Christmas celebrators beware! Security cameras and informants have reported the disposal of Christmas trees in the loading dock trash containers! This is a grievous offense. Anyone caught disposing of trees anywhere in the building will be put to death.

This is of course a rough paraphrase. The actual penalty was specified as "a removal fee" but it turns out this means be put to death.

Don't get me wrong. I have mostly enjoyed my stay at the Vistana so far, by and large, and knowing the general good nature of the office staff I am inclined to believe their threats are mostly bellicose posturing. Nevertheless I fear the clap of storm trooper boots in the hall and often lie awake at night for fear of a knock at the door. I may not live for long, but the struggle to use the pool after 10:00 pm will go on forever!

Eureka

After years of fruitless endeavor and untold hardship our efforts have finally paid off. We have found it. Where others have failed, we have overcome. Where Cabot and Cartier floundered, we have flourished exceedingly. Where Frobisher and Hudson were led astray, we have stayed on course. Where the combined treasuries of the Europe's monarchies came up empty, we have had success overwhelming. Etcetera, etcetera; the Northwest Passage is ours!

It took three voyages and countless man hours, but on the third and final trip, in the two thousand and nineth year of our Lord, we came upon the hallowed land long last. After years of searching, a route from the Vistana downtown (star B) to Olmos Basin Park (star A) via the northwest route* was finally discovered. A bike route free from coarse winds, perilous icebergs, and large poorly driven motor vehicles does exist! The first ill-fated voyage attempted the most direct route via the southern terminus of the park but resulted only in scurvy and discord at the heavily trafficked and unpassable Hildebrand Avenue. The second venture, only a few months later, similarly ended in disaster as the expedition was set adrift chasing empty trade wind after trade wind trying to approach the basin from its eastern summit. The most recent voyage would likely itself have ended in calamity as the intrepid explorers sailed dangerously north on their attempted western approach, but steadfast spirit and a trusty sextant allowed for the charting of a new course and the safe arrival at the appointed destination. A poorly maintained mountain biking trail littered in trash.

On the safe return to harbor raucous celebrations broke out. Crates of beaver pelts were unloaded, plans were made to subjugate the local indigenous populations, and war was declared on the French. The triumphant bike was placed in dry dock in the apartment storage room while the crew retired to a triumphant dinner of burgers and shakes at Freddy's. Trade with Russia is expected to pick up shortly.

Charted route: Third Voyage

* Nevermind that the route is not actually so northwest. It certainly *felt* like I was going northwest.

A Teeny Tiny Place Called Home

Photo Safari!

This is a picture tour of my new apartment at The Vistana. It's located immediately adjacent to Christus Santa Rosa and El Mercado downtown, and is currently home to about 32 other tenants and 13 hobos. The objective of the tour is to catch all the Pokemon.

(click on the photos for extra super huge mode.)




So... say you were to walk through the front door of my apartment. It might look something like this.


Excited yet?

If you were to immediately turn around you'd probably then see this.



Nice.

Now supposing, just supposing, you had turned around on a slightly different axis you would have seen this.



My that chair looks pretty relaxing. And a coat rack slash hat holder? Brilliant.

Here's my kitchen. Or at least the part of it I could merge into one photo without it getting all wonky.




That white box has been there for about 2 weeks now. I have absolutely no idea why I have not moved it especially seeing as how it annoys the crap out of me every time I go into the kitchen. The box aside, though, as you can see I have some lovely black appliances to distract from the fact that I don't have a single drawer wide enough to stash my silverware.

Now if you were to keep moving by, say, oh six or eight inches you would now see this.



My kitchen table now sits three, but seeing as that is two more than it typically ever needs to sit that's just fine. Plus one chair has ready access to the dishwasher. Convenience is a must!

Turning 90 degrees to the right and...



My bathroom. With a hangboard on top of it. Does it go there? Probably not. Was there any other place for it? Certainly not.

Inching into the bathroom you see the antrum of the washroom itself.



Phenomenal. The laundry basket may or may not end up being a permanent fixture there depending on whether I can find somewhere else to squeeze a big yellow laundry basket.

A little wider angle now.




So we got some teals, we got some green, some cherry, some tan. Does it work? Maybe a little bit. This is as good as it gets people.

And at the distal end of my washatorium is the toilet.



What a lovely toilet. Unfortunately there was no room for a bidet.

And of course the shower itself.




The pressure is terrible, but I like my new shower mats. I wish more things were made of wood. This apartment would go from "pretty good" status to "pretty great" status pretty easily if there was just more wood. (that's what she said.)

Having completed the bathroom subtour we head back out.



Goodbye bathroom.

Skipping the kitchen we get to the living room/bedroom/office.




Much like the big white box and yellow laundry basket I really do not have the slightest clue as to what to do with the giant fish. As such its place of rest generally rotates between the bed or the couch depending on which I want to use at the time. In other words, its sole purpose at this point is to inconvenience me. I am taking suggestions though.

Now here's the bed/office from a slightly different angle.




You cannot appreciate it, but the bed, desk, and book shelf are pretty much all wedged together. I think it's a masterful use of space. And possibly a fire hazard.

Here's the window.



I am contemplating adding my hanging garden baskets to either end of the window and possibly even screwing in the window baskets below the window itself. Perhaps that will be plant overload, though.

Here's a Psyduck.



And the living room all altogether now.




Breathtaking. Simply breathtaking. The little picture gallery isn't completely done, and, yes, one of the pictures is upside down, but it's pretty spectacular nonetheless. Even from a distance. Note now the hand crafted coffee table constructed from American pine, refurbished couch with throw pillows imported from India, individually blown glass candle holders created in Greece, and a state of the art 19-inch television entertainment center with DVR. Truly this is lofty living indeed.

Quick look back at the kitchen!



Yeah the kitchen light is partially obstructed by the huge metal air conditioning duct -- yet another way in which this place was not designed terribly intelligently -- but too much light just makes bananas go brown anyway.

Here's the kitchen with the lights off!



The picture sucks, but I threw some Christmas lights atop the cabinets seeing as how there's enough space to support a small family of five up there and this is what it looks like. Amazing -- take my word for it.

And done. Didn't think the tour would ever end? I didn't either. There was just so much to see. Man what a blast.

So who got the Jigglypuff? and the Wigglytuff? and the Kookookachu?

Little Pig, Little Pig, Let Me In

I may shortly be kicking down the door of my own apartment. That is if there's an apartment left for me to kick into. Despite almost half a year of waiting my fancy, shiny new apartment downtown is still not fit for living in. The latest problem? A huge water pipe apparently exploded flooding floors 6 through 9. Or something like that, it involved lots of waters and freak inexplicable accidents keeping me out of my rightful home. Perhaps it's for the best, though, God seems to have a thing against this place. I may be saving myself some heart ache, and perhaps a case of boils, if this whole thing falls apart.

Since I haven't mentioned my own current housing crisis much before let me start at the relative beginning.

A long, long time ago, feels like three years but I guess it was about 9 months, I was in the market for buying a house. I looked around, found some places, my family duly let me know they were terrible places, and so I looked around some more. Finally, I found the greatest place. Unfortunately it was around this time, shortly before starting my work as an intern, that I decided that no, in fact, I did not wish to buy a house. The appeal of free artistic license, spacious guest bedrooms to have family over in, and a backyard to build a garden upon were dshed by the reality that as an intern everything but basic hygiene gets neglected. And so I moved into the base housing. Unfortunately base housing is only free for a month (and apparently my base housing was also home to a family of fearless cockroaches), and so I moved into some friends' place. Josh and Sarah were newly weds, however, and their house was way the hell away from everything so I duly sought out alternative residence number three. That's when I found my good friend, then complete stranger, Laura Gallo. After some brief negotiations she set me up in her second guest bedroom and I was set for the next two to three months.

Or so it was to be. I had found, what I thought at least, would be the apartment equivalent of my previous dream house. The Vistana. "Lofty Living Downtown" their ridiculous and somewhat pretentious advertisement claimed. It was conveniently placed between both hospitals, in a different setting than the suburban wasteland I had been living in for 8 years, and 9 stories up giving me the wonderful sunset view I had long sought after. And all for a fairly reasonable price. Unfortunately my official move in date, mid-October came around and because of the previous spring's epic rains construction was behind schedule. I would be moving in in November. November came and again it was pushed back. Now it was December. December came and that too was wrong. We're going to play it safe and say first week of February. And what happened when the first week of February came around? "Mr. Crabtree, we're sorry but we're going to have to push back the moving date one more time. How does March 6th sound?" "March 6th? My favoritest day, sounds great."

And now we come to February 26th. I had thought maybe March 6th really would be the day. Even started planning renting a moving truck and reboxing my stuff. But now comes a pipe flood and once more I must wait. Current move in date is unknown pending further catastrophe. I am expecting either a zeppelin to broadside the place or a pterodactyl attack. I eagerly await the call.