A Christmas Gift of Errant Boxes

Merry Christmas! You'll get your presents when you get 'em.

The merry holiday has now come and past, and although the majority of it was spent sitting in a chair in the cardiac care unit (CCU) it was quite nice. Not because I had a great time with my nieces and nephews -- I haven't seen them in some time and am not sure they even still exist -- but because for once, for whatever reason, I felt a little grateful. Now I have always known I am blessed beyond merit, but infrequently have I felt it. I am not sure what to attribute it to but my suspicions are Wilford Hall's ghetto rooftop Christmas tree or BAMC's military issue eggnog. In either case I did not terribly mind working or being alone for the navidad. Plus how can you complain when your friends give you Lyme Disease?

Season sentiments aside, let's get to the point of Christmas and to the point of this post: presents. Man were they a disaster. Although Amazon and its various retailers did their jobs well, I, in my job as distribution center ring leader, did not. I barely got everything wrapped and boxed by the evening of the 20th, but did not make it to Fedex in time for the evening shipment thanks in part to the incredible complexity of stuffing a Mini Cooper with enormous boxes and partly because I may or may not have run someone over on my blind side. I'm pretty sure it was a roll of carpet. The boxes were shipped out successfully the next morning of course, but successfully to the wrong addresses. Adam and Ashlee got a Christmas surprise of other people's presents and my sister's family in Hawaii will be delighted to find out the box they receive sometime in February in fact needs to be immediately repackaged and reshipped. I am sure in every case, however, that their real present was hearing my voice over the phone on Christmas day. Mine, of course, was giving Lucca 11 lbs of candy legos. And possibly diabetes.

Christmas Present Apraxia

Although I am still fully in possession of all my faculties and still have complete control, it would appear, over my senses and motor function, it seems I just cannot wrap a good Christmas present. Despite some 26 years of practice now -- yes I started wrapping gifts just 5 months after birth -- my wrapping skills have improved only marginally, producing most recently this monstrosity:



The fact that the corners are not crisp, there is an overabundance of tape, the flap lengths are all uneven, and that I did not even cut enough paper for the whole project and so had to graft on not one but two extra appendages of wrapping paper are only partially disguised by my not so clever use of bows, poor lighting, and unusual construction patterns. Indeed this is the one skill I have picked up over the years. How to wrap presents so clumsily that it appears as if on purpose. Such a secret is what keeps our nation's postmodern artists fed, and it works for me. Occasionally, though, namely when the gifts are large and square, I do succeed in finishing a presentable product:



Not bad, huh? But then I go and produce something like this:



The wrapping job's ok, but I definitely had to resort to sticky notes as improvised gift tags. And as I ran out of scotch tape I had to resort to staples. Sarah's gift is now securely fastened to her shipping material. Actually I lie about the tape -- it's the one thing I do make sure I have an abundance of. And bows!:


Beautiful! I really don't know how I have failed to get better at this -- perhaps I simply just don't practice enough -- we need Christmas at least three times a year! -- but I have. Although it should simply be a matter of roughly measuring size, slowly cutting smooth lines, appropriately folding corners neatly, and taping conservatively in key areas, I cannot quite pick it up. I even managed to cut myself at one point with the x-acto knife -- someone will get a little extra love and blood with their present this year -- and I am still not entirely sure when or how. Whatever the case, Christmas wrapping makes me merry and my general lack of skills aside I am happy for the time being.

Next up: Christmas trees and Christmas lights. Let's pretend I don't have the ICU coming up in three days!