First things first, choose a fact you wish to learn more about. Just one. A single fact. Two is too many. A detailed summary of facts is not correct -- you're not writing a review article -- and a layman's explanation of a complex series of facts is wrong -- you're not writing pop-science. Pick just one, single, fact. Before you starting choosing, though, let me make it clear that this fact cannot be your favorite fact, it cannot be a revolutionary or particularly earth shattering fact, and, really, it probably shouldn't even be a fact known to anyone outside your specialized circle of peers and some post grads in Belgium. The good facts have all been taken or require a multimillion dollar grant. Do you have a multimillion dollar grant? The fact can be from a subject you care about -- we're not unreasonable -- but that will be your only concession. Cherish it. This fact you will spend the next one to two years of your life learning.
Now that you've chosen the fact you wish to learn you will next have to write up multiple, detailed, technical iterations of why you wish to learn this fact; how you want to go about learning the fact; how you will keep your learning of the fact secret from others; what financing you will receive in learning this fact; and how learning this fact may affect the children, elderly, incompetent, and pregnant around you. You should also include a list of people who have also said things about your fact. Make sure that list is standardized in some random but highly regimented manner. After you've written a sufficient number of drafts of why you want to learn the fact you will then be asked to wait a number of months prior to being given clearance to finally in fact learn the fact.
The next step is preparing a spreadsheet to record data about your fact. This is necessary because the process of learning a fact requires a long drawn out process of reviewing multiple different medical and technical records to identify a dozen different variables which you will then record at least a few hundred times. Make sure the spreadsheet makes sense before you start, though, because if your spreadsheet doesn't make sense now it certainly won't make any sense when you come back to it after a few weeks or months of doing other real life things. And make sure your definitions are concrete, precise, and consistent with the definitions used by other people who have said things about your fact because if not no one will believe it. They'll say your fact was not well designed. Don't worry too much; though, whatever you do now will in the end matter little because at some point you or someone you know will inevitably find a better way to learn your fact half way through thus requiring you to go through the records and spreadsheets and data again. Likely one cell at a time.
Now that you have the spreadsheet as you want it you may begin the actual process of looking at the computer screen thousands of times a day over the course of an endless number of months you will never get back in order to extract the information you need to make your fact. It is likely at some point you will accidently place one datum in the wrong datum column without realizing it and have to spend hours trying to figure out what went wrong, and it is similarly likely that at some point you will realize one of the records you are using to collect data doesn't even have the information recorded correctly. Don't lose heart, though, you'll be far too invested at this point to seriously consider giving up.
Once you have gathered enough data about your fact to actually fashion the fact, it is time to give the data to a statistician. Or, since statisticians are fabulous nonexistent mythological creatures, rather you will stare at a statistics textbook until you find a way to crudely apply one formula or another to your numbers. After, of course, also figuring out how to force that formula through whatever statistics package you do or do not have on your computer. Statistics done you are, finally, presto change'o, through the magic of math, done with researching! You have learned your fact. Congratulations, scientist!
You're not done done yet, however, oh no. You now have to share the fact with others. There are thankfully a number of ways to do so, and you will be asked to do every one. It is typically easiest to first share the fact in the form of a Power Point presentation where you will create many captivating and mercilessly boring slides talking about your fact in a level of detail that even you do not care to know. This will give you the chance to talk about other related facts as well, but do so only briefly. Remember to never lose sight of your fact for it is the most important fact. At least for the sixty minutes or so of your presentation. If you lose focus and meander off topic people will get very upset as this may interfere with their napping.
Presentation done you will then have to create a poster for your fact. This will be similar to your Power Point presentation, but different in that you'll be forced to smash down most of what you'd like to say about your fact into the three small columns of text. Most of the poster should be figures which will keep people's attention when learning about your fact better than any actual concisely written information about the fact itself. The poster will need to be a certain size, using certain fonts, with certain esoteric color and design requirements depending on who you ask and most people won't want to be asked. The font will always have to be bigger and the tables larger which will always mean you will have to say less about your fact, but for posters what matters most is how long people stare at it. Be sure to buy an expensive poster carrying case because it'll probably be something you want to place over your fireplace mantle for years to come. It also lets others know that, damn, that man's a researcher! Or rather just a weirdo walking around with a very elaborate tube carrying purse.
Lastly, you will be asked to write a paper about your fact. It will seem to you at this point that it would simply consist of cutting and pasting all the component parts you've created to date, but you will quickly find that idea ridiculous due to the ten rough draft minimum and crippling word count limits which will effectively preclude any use of adjectives, adverbs, or relevant citations. This is assuming you plan to submit to a journal with anything resembling a coherent instructions for authors. Once everyone has agreed that the current draft of your paper is the best possible draft that everyone can concede to and no further changes that contradict other changes have been suggested you will submit it to the editors who will reply some time later with a list of reasons why the paper is terrible. Thankfully you will be given the chance to clarify and modify your manuscript once more, but only after another five draft minimum. This process may repeat itself indefinitely, but eventually, if lucky, you will find yourself with a journal article about your fact. The feeling at seeing your name as the first author will be indescribably underwhelming.
And that, children, is research. A year or two of life for a fact, a glossy poster, and a journal article that your friends and family probably won't have access to. Thankfully the ladies go crazy for dot plots.
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| Sexy dynamite. |
As a final aside I do have sincere respect for researchers who toil endlessly and often anonymously to advance our understanding of the world. I will just likely never be one of them. Nor would I likely have thought it worth my time to have done so. To the endless march of Progress!I also coincidentally have sincere respect for champion corgi Risk masters.
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| Who's the cutest little conqueror in the world?! You are! You are! |
