Busy Like a Hamster

I have been busy!

And not at the hospital. So much. Which is why I used an exclamation mark. (Not just for teenage girls and text messages any more.) I have been so busy I barely even have time to write this garbage -- err blog. Amazing dedication!

So what have I been doing? Well, things! I got my car wash, bought some Christmas presents, visited family in California for Thanksgiving, went to a wedding, saw some college friends in Houston, test drove a MINI Cooper Convertible and Jeep Patriot, returned some presents, paid off my student loans, had clinic, wrapped Christmas presents, decorated a Christmas tree, visited some other family in California, mailed some presents, went to the optometrist, decorated another Christmas tree, got new glasses, got my teeth cleaned, read a book, saw Bolt, Quantum of Solace, and Role Models, cleaned my shower, bought some picture frames, did some research on colistin resistance in Acinetobacter, got a haircut, got an oil change, framed some pictures, went to the mall, bought some groceries, got a filling at the dentist, and saw Boyz II Men (for free mind you) at a USO show. All that and not a single amusing story. Well, I guess the way my 3 year old nephew flexes his shoulders forward when he stutters out his words like some sort preschool bouncer is pretty amusing, but you really have to be there.

In other news, this! Seems despite the oft stated claim by all those liberal, tree-hugging, monkey-headed socialists out there that punishment is not an effective deterrent, one psychology study suggests that it can serve as a corrective force. But the real lesson here: the social sciences are and will always be science-light. In other words: my political science degree is a bunch of high-sounding nonsense. Perhaps this article should be read with this!? Just perhaps.

On a final note. I bought a giant bag of Nerds candy for Halloween and nary a kid showed up to receive it. Despite my best efforts to eat far more Nerds than is reasonable on my own I still have about 70% of a giant bag of Nerds on my hands. I am taking suggestions.

While some people find it helpful to fast before Thanksgiving dinner, we know it's best you prime the pump before hand. Preferably with Cheetos, Lunchables, and as much soda pop as you have cup holders for.

Internal Medicine with a Minor in Psychology

My clinic doth run over.

Officially each office visit should take 45 minutes of my time. Recently, however, this has not been the case. Instead I will have three or four 50 minute appointments and one drawn out and draining 1 hour and 15 minute one. This is not because I am just that thorough and kind hearted. But rather because my patients all seem to have a touch of the crazy.

Sometimes it's fibromyalgia with the patient reporting pain here, here, and here. Some pain there radiating back to the first here and sometimes becoming the second here. And that place over there has two types of pain. Oh and my hair hurts.

Sometimes it's chronic fatigue syndrome. Or myalgic encephalomyelitis as my patients like to call it. Or yuppie flu as I like to call it. They aren't the actual patients, their sick relatives in need of custodial care are usually who the visit's for, but patients' families can just as often be as much part of the problem as part of the cure.

Then there's the standard old major depressive disorder. Patient wants to kill himself, doesn't want to talk to anyone about it, and doesn't want to leave the exam room. Of course he didn't come in for depression. No, you cannot get a medicine appointment for a psych complaint. Instead you gotta be sneaky crafty. Don't want to ruin the surprise.

And lastly there's the undiagnosed bipolar patient talking incessantly, not answering questions, and generally providing no relevant information about his ailments to do either of us any good. Feel free to leave before I return from consulting with the staff physician about your diagnosis. It's not like you came to the clinic for medical care because, actually, I am still not sure why you came to the clinic today.

All in all it makes clinic interesting and for me leaving the hospital at 1900 or 2000 at night. The immediate frustrations aside I do not mean to convey that I dislike psychiatric patients -- and two of the disorders aren't even psychology related really. Crazy people are people too after all. It is just that I don't have enough time to take care of all the problems which actually threaten life and limb let alone the hours extra needed to take care of the problems brought about by bad humors and forest gnomes. I am training to become an internal medicine physician but to date it seems my end expertise will be that of a psychologist / orthopedist who occasionally dabbles in the diabetes and the common cold.

***As a general disclaimer: though I in general like to try and be an honest guy, with all the rules these days and the rise of the HIPAA fascist state I must resort to vagueness, generalizations, and outright lies when it comes to recounting my patient stories. Don't want to breach any privacy here and I definitely don't want a summary execution without trial.***